i just feel i'd be a lot more sane if she were still here. i keep on tweeking out about the littlest things or becoming so emotionally and physically blocked from doing certain things that it just makes me really worried. would i be like this if she were still here? would i still be this emotionally unstable and remiss? and if i wouldn't, would that just be because she'd take care of it all for me. i was never prepared properly to take care of it all for myself. but it's not fair to say that it's not my fault. i strengthened myself in ways, but i didn't grow. did i not want to grow? no, i'm suppose i'm actually sure i did and do not. i just want things to be the same, the same in a way they never will be.
i know things would be different. very different. i can't help thinking, would i still have my relationship with fletcher? would his effect on me that night have been the same? would i need him as much and cling to him so desperately? would i need and therefore want his love? would he even find me so interesting? would i still be going away to college? i can't pretend i'd receive these financial aid benefits if she were still here. would it be financially feasable? would i even want to go 'cross country? i want fletcher, i want college, i even want the lessons i've learned, but i want her. more? yes. i wouldn't be crazy if she were still here. i'd be normal. more normal. at very least i wouldn't be tormented with "if only..."
i wouldn't be living with my grandparents nor be sandwiched into this apartment. i wouldn't have this large of a distance from scott. i would have jonathan closer. i would have never come into this full hatred ann has for me. but i would have her. oh god, i would have her, and that matters more than anything. maybe i'd have more peace of mind, maybe i'd escape this devestation over what i've become as a person, maybe i'd feel less distraught, but i'd have her. i would have her.
there are things i can't stand about this reality. this reality without her. there are things i love. but there are things i just know would be diferent and long for them to be so inexplicably much.
i can't even venture into what would be if he were still here. that very fact causes me so much pain. nothing in the world would mean more to me than to see him, to hug him, to once, just once speak to him. but i know nothing would be the same if he where here. i'd be in holland, or in la, or somewhere. somewhere, but i know not here. not with fletcher, and certainly not with jonathan. do i care?? do i value this torturous reality so much that i could honostly say i'd wish him here? of course i wish him here, but knowing all the circumstances and everything i'd loose and realizing i have only a fictionalized image of someone whom for all i know could be most detestable to me, would i still have this wish? oh god!!! why??? i just don't understand why!! i don't know why i have to think about htis. but i am and i do. i want him. i want her. i want them, but oh god!!! i hate this reality, but i just don't know if i hate it enough for him. and my god does that hurt more than anything to think of. no. no. i'd give up anything. but would i??? i can't keep on going back and fourth!!! not that it matters, i can't change anything. but it does matter. it matters to my heart and my mind and my sould who continue to torment me.
i want him. i want him so bad, but i just need her. for my sanity!! for my god damned sanity!! i just can't continue the way i am. i just don't feel like i function properly. i can't be who i am. i refuse to believe it.
but am i just using her as an excuse for this crazed nature of mine? would i be just the sme if she were here? would it just set in later? i was alway too focused on the inside, but was i always like this?? tell me not! oh god, tell me not!!! i just want to detatch myself from myself for all the irresponsability, pessemism, neediness, and uncontrol i've exhibited. please tell me that at least these vices would not be here if she were. please tell me that they came only when the void became vacent.
i don't know what else to say right now