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moderate delight [23 Mar 2006|09:10pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

i would like to just say for the record that i am relatively quite happy now, even if my prior entries and past emotions do not reflect these present sentiments.

(there, happy Allison?)

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[02 Jan 2005|12:55am]
life kills you. it drains your ability to want and obtain because it gives you too many things in the way. idealism. dreams are idealism that become undesirable, as your only true wish is to be at peace. at peace. i don't want anymore and my dreams are only the leftovers from naivety, or rather from youth. my mother told me she didn't make up stories in her head anymore because real life got too much in the way when you're older. i don't make up stories anymore. my dreams are dreams of me lying down motionless next to fletcher. nothingness. yet still a nothingness i cannot have. i only want that now. nothing else it seems. i am ambitious out of routine. the thought of doing anything but examining my emotions or completely losing myself in them gives me pain in my shoulders and cold acid in my stomach. life has drained me and i now stand with hands tied behind my back. i am defeated. life has won. life doesn't always win, but it has won over me because i tried too hard to be strong. i just want to flow with the river and stop struggling to breathe. i want a buoy. i don't want to drown, but i've stopped caring whether i'll actually get anywhere. i feel foolish working so hard for dreams i no longer care about, but there are no new dreams to replace the old except for tranquility without responsibility. i strive out of duty to god knows what. me? my grandparents? my future? my reputation? my respectability? my identity?
three and a half more years at least until i get to live with fletcher. being with him is my sole goal that i truly want.
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I'm alive [14 Dec 2004|07:17pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]

I'm eracing index cards that I used for flash cards so I can reuse them. So the question is: am I frugul, or do I just really not to want to write the papers looming over my head??

rejoice! French test is done!!

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J'ai un tres grand canker sore [13 Dec 2004|01:06am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

the world is such a happier place when your hair is in pigtails

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Night In [19 Nov 2004|02:41pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

November 19, 2004
11:20 PM
The pretty tasseled bookmark with its glittery star beads didn’t look right in that book. Not now anyway. I couldn’t read it anymore as my eyes began to water at their words. Whatever the reason, tonight was not a night for crying. But I still could not look past that bookmark, lying between death and desperation. The lights were hot on my skin so I threw off the warn sheets. The material was so soft against my body, but I knew how dirty they were, how long it had been since they were washed. They softly untangled themselves from around my legs when I shook them off, but I was still so warm. It must me the lights. The fluorescent glare was dim, but loud with incessant buzzing, which seemed to weigh down on me more than the heat. If I turned off the light the noise would stop and it would be cooler, but I didn’t want dark either. The sight of my floor, covered by papers I need organize, assignments I need to do, clothes I need to wash, a package I need to send thanks for, and then there was that happy bookmark and wretched book that I couldn’t help but liking. But I couldn't deal with the dark right then. Without thinking, I scratched the blistered burn on the inside of my left arm.

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[18 Jul 2004|09:27pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

i just feel i'd be a lot more sane if she were still here. i keep on tweeking out about the littlest things or becoming so emotionally and physically blocked from doing certain things that it just makes me really worried. would i be like this if she were still here? would i still be this emotionally unstable and remiss? and if i wouldn't, would that just be because she'd take care of it all for me. i was never prepared properly to take care of it all for myself. but it's not fair to say that it's not my fault. i strengthened myself in ways, but i didn't grow. did i not want to grow? no, i'm suppose i'm actually sure i did and do not. i just want things to be the same, the same in a way they never will be.

i know things would be different. very different. i can't help thinking, would i still have my relationship with fletcher? would his effect on me that night have been the same? would i need him as much and cling to him so desperately? would i need and therefore want his love? would he even find me so interesting? would i still be going away to college? i can't pretend i'd receive these financial aid benefits if she were still here. would it be financially feasable? would i even want to go 'cross country? i want fletcher, i want college, i even want the lessons i've learned, but i want her. more? yes. i wouldn't be crazy if she were still here. i'd be normal. more normal. at very least i wouldn't be tormented with "if only..."

i wouldn't be living with my grandparents nor be sandwiched into this apartment. i wouldn't have this large of a distance from scott. i would have jonathan closer. i would have never come into this full hatred ann has for me. but i would have her. oh god, i would have her, and that matters more than anything. maybe i'd have more peace of mind, maybe i'd escape this devestation over what i've become as a person, maybe i'd feel less distraught, but i'd have her. i would have her.

there are things i can't stand about this reality. this reality without her. there are things i love. but there are things i just know would be diferent and long for them to be so inexplicably much.

i can't even venture into what would be if he were still here. that very fact causes me so much pain. nothing in the world would mean more to me than to see him, to hug him, to once, just once speak to him. but i know nothing would be the same if he where here. i'd be in holland, or in la, or somewhere. somewhere, but i know not here. not with fletcher, and certainly not with jonathan. do i care?? do i value this torturous reality so much that i could honostly say i'd wish him here? of course i wish him here, but knowing all the circumstances and everything i'd loose and realizing i have only a fictionalized image of someone whom for all i know could be most detestable to me, would i still have this wish? oh god!!! why??? i just don't understand why!! i don't know why i have to think about htis. but i am and i do. i want him. i want her. i want them, but oh god!!! i hate this reality, but i just don't know if i hate it enough for him. and my god does that hurt more than anything to think of. no. no. i'd give up anything. but would i??? i can't keep on going back and fourth!!! not that it matters, i can't change anything. but it does matter. it matters to my heart and my mind and my sould who continue to torment me.

i want him. i want him so bad, but i just need her. for my sanity!! for my god damned sanity!! i just can't continue the way i am. i just don't feel like i function properly. i can't be who i am. i refuse to believe it.

but am i just using her as an excuse for this crazed nature of mine? would i be just the sme if she were here? would it just set in later? i was alway too focused on the inside, but was i always like this?? tell me not! oh god, tell me not!!! i just want to detatch myself from myself for all the irresponsability, pessemism, neediness, and uncontrol i've exhibited. please tell me that at least these vices would not be here if she were. please tell me that they came only when the void became vacent.

i don't know what else to say right now

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Glee [18 Jul 2004|09:53am]
[ mood | mischievous ]

I feel as if i've conquered the universe. A small feat, but I'm nonetheless inexorably proud. Yes, I am the queen of the world!

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money makes the world go round [01 Jul 2004|08:52pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Q: What type of jobs pay you based on how much money you make?
A: Mine, and it sucks!!!

So i was wondering why my co-workers were getting 50 cents more than me an hour on their pay checks even though I have more experience with kids and have worked at this facility longer than they have and found out today when I confronted my boss about it. Turns out there's this unchangeable guideline for pay: for a freshman in college $7/hour, sophomore $7.50/hour...and so on until you graduate and then we go to another chart. Uh, talk about skrewy??? I mean, I do everything that these other girls do. does one year in college really better prepare you to hold a three year old boy over the toilet so he doesn't pee all over his pants and lead songs which require to "stand right here and shake your rear," or even change urine soaked underwear of kids who had an accident? I didn't think so, but hey, maybe I've totally misunderstood the whole college thing and this is really what they teach you about. I'm really bitter...I could be making so much more by bagging groceries!

I've amended my summer reading list:
Jane Eyre
Angels & Demons
Arabian Nights
Gulliver's Travels
Ivanhoe
Mirror Mirror
The Da Vinci Code
The Alchemist (reread)
At The Bottom of The Garden (a history of fairies from the ancient world to now, which sounds really interesting even though it's nonfiction)

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mini dried roses [29 Jun 2004|09:14pm]
[ mood | blank ]

she's actually writing??...simone's actually writing???...yes, cause i felt i should, but i've really nothing interesing to say right now.

i need new reading material, so any suggestions are readily accepted. my plans so far include:
Ivanhoe
The Da Vinchi Code
The Black Tulip
the snow white alegory by gregory maguire

i'm the worst person ever at writing thank you notes...it's been over a month--almost two months--
and I've still not finished all my grad thank-yous. worst part is, there weren't even that many of them.

i detest my job, but i'm through with complaining. fletcher says it's good practice for when we have children, but god, it's not even the children that drive you wild, it's the co-workers and everything!!! not that dirty dipers and crying children are much better though.

wow. i must say one more time, i have the best boyfriend ever. i left the key to mickey's house in his car, so i couldn't get in to feed the dog, but guess what he does...takes off of work and drives it down to me cause it's sunday and there is no mail! man, i love that guy. what should/could i do to repay him though...i just can't think of anything good enough.

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Gordon is my friend [24 May 2004|12:17am]
[ mood | awake ]

it's not so much an issue that i have homework...i just can't get to bed. i don't want to sleep. I would even rather do homework. i want to talk to someone...but i don't know who. i miss fletcher. i'm pathetic.

I can't decide whether i want to eat a cookie or not. i know i want to, but yet, i really don't think it's worth the trouble right now. besides, i already had two.

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only in dreams [23 May 2004|11:20pm]
[ mood | sore ]

my...it's been quite some time since i've written.

I do have things to say. but i kinda just dont' want to say them. I kinda like having them just in my head for right now. just in my head. maybe i won't remember them in a couple of days or years, but i like them just where they are right now. my thoughts for my mind--not words for my screen.

So those thoughts will remain unspoken and untyped.

I love fletcher. I never cease to be amazed at how weirdly close and comfortable we are around one another. Everything's just so natural. Nothing seems dirty or wrong or disgusting, or immature, or inappropriate.

Just wish he wouldn't tease me as much.

My grandparents are so stressing me out lately. i just cannot stand it anymore. maybe i'm being just a teenager, but i can't help it. It's hard cause they treat me like i'm their daughter, but i don't feel like they're my parents so it just doesn't really work out too well. They're jsut soo overbearing.

Flethcer says i'll get over it--which i know i will. The thing is, I know my grandparents irratated the hell out of my mom not only when she was growing up but to the day she died. Theyre just those super-caring overbearing people that sometines just suffocate you. Grandma is demanding in a lot of ways, but mostly it's just her nagging that gets me so stressed. And grandpa. I loveim and he's so sweet, but he just things I'm perfect!!!! That may not be too bad, but as a perfectionist who is trying to come to terms with her mortatlity and imperfections, it is not always easy having someone telling you that you're perfect in every way. It makes it so much more difficult when i disapoint him, which happens a lot now-a-days, cause guess what--I'm not perfect. It hurts so bad too. I don't want to be perfect anymore, but oh! it's so painful not to be!!!!

I feel bad for lying to them about last night, but what was i to do??? I guess it goes along with the perfection thing. even if they would have let me go, i wouldn't want them to know or think about it.

I went through every picture i've ever taken with flethcer tonight and i'm listening to weezer...so simone and fletchery. i miss him already. he didn't call me back tonight. i really hope i don't become overbearring; I hope it doesn't run in the family. But especially now, it just hurts to have him away from me.

Mickey's funny. And i guess Hil too. They both treat me in a lot of ways like i'm one of their middle aged friends. But especially mickey. i think she forgest sometimes that she's speaking to simone and not cathy: that i'm not my mom. I tell them stuff I wouldn't think of telling anybody, but i guess that's just what you do when you're older?? But really, I can't believe mickey was able to get all of that out of me.

It's funny...i had to hide going to mickey's house. I understand where grandma is coming from about her, but really, i can use my own discretion. i think she's just jealous because she thinks i tell her more than i tell her. which is the truth i guess. it's just funny. annoying, but funny.

I'm so sore...i dont' think that's right. so, so sore.

ha...i didn't think i had time to write anything.

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water stains [27 Apr 2004|09:09pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

i may be a good person, but i'm a selfish person

but even so my mother would be proud of me. not just academically. i had a vision today. not a vision, a feeling. like she was there kinda, just smiling. it was weird, cause that doesn't hapen that often. i was thinking about an idiosyncracy she would scold me for that jonathan now has taken up. mom can't scold him for it. should i? but that's not my point. well, maybe it is. i guess i'm just glad i got the chance to be scolded at for acting in my weird ways. but she would be proud. i just sorta feel her tonight. iFEEL her.

but it's not her i feel. i feel her smile. around my sholder. an untactile warmth about my shoders. just a smile, not a person. and then so quickly it's gone agoin. why leave. right when i was bout to cry it goes and i'm left with pent up tears of both desperation and joy without that last push into materialized wettness. but she'd be proud. that i drive. that i laugh. that i go to school. that i read. that i type. that i love. that i think. that i exist.

and as always, fletcher haunts my mind. i can't help it.

i love him so much and as our relationship gets more and more serious, my thoughts get more and more complex. i can't deny that i don't idolize him anymore like i used to. he's no longer that mysterious boy from santa rosa who i'm infatuated with. he's fletcher now, my boyfriend. who i love. who saved my life. who played such a part in taking away my depression. who cares about me with all his heart.

maybe we're just too close. i need him it feels to stay alive as i have become to depend on him in my mother's absence. but i'm still a dreaming girl, a striving princess, and fletcher, as much as i love him and live for him, just isn't always a prince charming.

is it wrong to still want a prince charming. i want fletcher. i'm still in love, but i don't know if this is really what i want. he's still growing up. i want to marry him. i need to marry him. i just could never break up with him. he's afraid i'll meet some ivy league intellectual handsome man when i go to philadelphia and leave him. i assure him that won't happen, and that no matter what i'll love him more than all. but what if prince charming is there?

but i love fletcher. i may not love prince charming, even if he is perfect. i may not get the same butterflies i get from fletcher, or the maddning desire to be close to him. having a serious boyfriend i wonderful, but i just wish i could have waited a while. this is too much to deal with at 18.

my mother hasn't come back yet

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finger nails and toe nails [25 Apr 2004|10:40pm]
[ mood | working ]

i smell like vanilla yogurt

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foam [22 Apr 2004|11:27pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I've just come to the conclusion that i'm a good person

now, granted, not a perfect person, but a good person all the same. therefore i have no reason to feel bad about myself. while there is certainly room for improvement, i am on the whole a decent friendsl person who may not be liked by everyone, but who does not spart up unanimous dislike from the majority. I am amiable and people generally are amiable to me in return. i should be happy with myself. i'm a good person. it's okay if it's not perfect. if i'm not perfect. perfect isn't perfect. i'm not perfect, but that's ok. i'm a good person*

*must remember this when i'm depressed

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annoying people [19 Apr 2004|11:28pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

just got back from philadelphia, but i've an english book report to start and finish, so more on that later dear journal of mine.

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two stamps priority mail [14 Apr 2004|03:40pm]
[ mood | inhabited ]

the death announcement just arrived.

it cost 78 euro cents to send. that's about a dollar in american currency. i'm holding therefore a dollar. i'm holding confirmation that he is dead. it took a dollar to confirm that he is dead. he's dead and it cost a dollar.

he died in ruinen where the family farm was. was. is. it's still there but it's not ours anymore. he sold it. he sold it and suffered with guilt. he said he might go to costa rica.

he didn't go to costa rica, he killed himself instead.

why was he in ruinen? the farm was already sold?? what was he doing there? i have pictures of it. i hung my underwear up to dry there. i was smiling there. he killed himself in ruinen.

the netherlands is stained with his blood

he is dead, but he didn't die, he shot himself. he killed himself. he fucking committed suicide.

i still don't remember the word i wanted to remember

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double shot [13 Apr 2004|11:43pm]
[ mood | i can't tell ]

the concert today was nice, but is was such a tease seeing fletcher for that short of time and not being able to get even one good kiss out of him. i like his friends, but i want his friends to like me. i want to be a hip girlfriend. he deserves one. i wish he wouldn't bite or lick me. he holds me. he comforts me. he asks me if i'm okay. he's a presence. i need that presence. that pressure on my arm as he holds me when i cry.

i want an adventure

i'm mad at emotion

i love the smell of men (fletcher)

i hate confliction

procrastination is the devil

i want to use the word "___" damnit...i forgot what it was

i'm lonely. i want a companion. what will i do next year when i'm so needy now? i want to know that someone hears me. does anyone hear me? or am i all alone? i feel selfish cause i'm lonely. i feel fake cause i need validation. i need validation. validate me...?

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final decision [12 Apr 2004|11:31pm]
i kinda just realized how easy is would be to pull the trigger. i mean, not that i would or anything, but something in my mind just kinda clicked and i realized that just that one motion to the head, if you knew that it would only take an instant to die, would not be that hard.

then again, i'm also taking for granted that the decision was confidently made. it would be hard to pull it if you were still vacilating.

i'm glad i never thought this before. not like i ever had a gun though, so in a way it doesn't matter. but in another way it really does. now i'm thinking that it wouldn't be too hard to pull a trigger, but with that click having been made, other clicks have a greater chance of happening. anyway, i'm still glad that i believed in the great difficulty of pulling a trigger those years ago.

he had everything in boxes so no one had to clean up after him

there was a will dated january 2003

he wanted to do it

he was depressed. he didn't know what he wanted. he wasn't right. he pulled the trigger. was it easy for him? was it easy for him? maybe it's not so easy. i dont' like picturing it, but it's there. in the woods. in holland. can i ever go to holland again and see the woods there and not hear a shot?

i love you roeland. i love you, but you made me mad. you took away so much from me. from them. from us. i love you. take care of mom and dad and oma. they'll take care of you. i love you. i love them. i want them. i want you. i need...

i feel pretty; i wish fletcher could see me right now
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my new quote [11 Apr 2004|08:44pm]
I wonder if he ever thought about me in the whole process...

I want to remember this:
"When so little in this world remains tangible, the solidity of a hug is so welcome"
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moon river [11 Apr 2004|05:59pm]
[ mood | shaken ]

there's just so much joy in the world. there's just so much sorrow. i'm just thumping inside. my heart isn't going fast, it's just going so hard. each beat pains my chest as it thrusts its walls against my rib cage, or whatever it is that's there. everything is so trivial, yet at the same time, it is that which is trivial that can instigate all the more minor emotions; it is that which shapes the details of our lives. but not everything is a detail and when those big defining moments of your life come up, even when they in themselves are small, oh the magnitude with which the heart must deal! this is a defining moment, and in this case, the incident itself was not minute. It encompasses so many more than just me. But it is me upon whom i must concentrate my focus.

i could go o amsterdam for the funeral. i could deal with loosing 900 dollars, and it's not as if people haven't offered to help. i want to represent my father and mother because they can're represent themselves. i want to represent myself. i'm 18. not yet. two and a half weeks. but i'm still as much of an adult as if i were. but i'm also still as much of a kid as if i weren't. i can't represent us all. all three of us. i can represent all three of us. i'm strong. i've been forced to be strong.

i didn't go to my father's funeral

i didn't go to my oma's funeral

it's stopped mattering to me wheather i go or not. would i go if it were my opa? i think i would. why don't i feel the necessity of going for Roeland? I care for him so much. just as much? certainly after our connection last summer. certainly beacause of the connection i know he had with my parents.

i've lost another link. another connection to the two most amazing people. another person who could tell me about my parents. i need more information about my father, more memories of my mother. i need to stay close. i need them. they're everything to me and the knowlege of them keeps my spine erect and my feet mobile, my heart impassioned and my mind alert. he was like them. not them. but he was there. he saw them together. he loved them both. he spoke beautifully about each of them. he was a connection. he's gone

am i selfish to have thought of that first? the letter he wrote about my father when i heard about what happened to him? to regret that someone who could give me information left me? i miss him. him. Roeland. the man. the boy. the child. whoever he was. he loved me. he told me that. that family doesn't say that much even if they do. they don't say it. they don't express it. they just do. but he did. he did and he said he did. he loves me. loved me? he told me i was special. told me i was smart. told me i was deep. he admired my ideas and listened to my thoughts. they didn't do him any good. he shot himself despite them all.

i knew it was suicide or an overdose of some sort of drugs. i thought he only did marijuana. he didn't overdose. he shot himself. he shot himself. i don't know where. the head? he shot himself. he left me. he left his daughters. he left his grandsons. he left his father. his brother. his sister. me. me. me. he left me.

we weren't that close. but we were. we were by association. by memories. by love.

he shot himself

i should tell jonathan. he wasn't jonathan's uncle, but i should tell him cause he was his uncle. he was my uncle. is? jonathan should know. he treated him like a nephew. he was a nephew. is? i can't tell him that he shot himself

moon river...soothing, calming

i've seen it all? death by disease, by car, by personal hand, close, far, vague, real. i'm not even 18. am i getting it all over with? is it that the more people you know, the more you loose? i don't know

i've more to see. more to laugh at. more to be repulsed by. more to complain about. more to be excited by. more to be jealous of. more to be overwhelmed by. more to smile about. more to mourn over.

i'm going to eat dinner now.

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